I guess I've really never been a big fan of endings. When I get to the end of a really good book, I'm upset that there is not more. End of a good movie? Upset that there is not more. End of a vacation? Ugh.
The end of a 13 year friendship? More upsetting than anyone could possibly understand.
About a month ago, my best friend of the last 13 years told me that he no longer wanted to be my friend. He said it was because I had never really amounted to anything in my life, and he couldn't wait any longer. I was so hurt, that for a couple of days I couldn't even think about it without crying. And not just crying, but bawling in that hiccuping, breathless, soul-wrenching way that happens when you are so consumed with grief that it seems like you haven't ever known anything else. Crying that fully exhausts you - mind and body - and you just want to sleep for 40 years afterwards. (Losing his best friend is probably the real reason that Rip Van Winkle feel asleep in the first place. I wouldn't blame him, not one bit.) And the things he said to me, the reasons behind his sudden change of heart... they hurt. They cut at me, and I just can't shake them even now. My best friend - the man who once upon a time helped me out of a very dark time in my life, the dude who has previously stood beside me and supported me in so many ways, the guy that I could always call and pour myself out to and not worry about being judged, my friend who I shared all my crazy ideas with and he always tried to find a way to make them happen anyways - thinks that I'm not worth knowing. He thinks I've never done anything with my life.... It makes my head swim. It makes me want to throw up.
We weren't even fighting or anything. It was just so sudden. I didn't even have a response.
So, I wrote him a letter.
Yesterday was the first time I've heard from him since he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. He sent me a comic and said it reminded him of me. No apology, no reasons, no acknowledgment of my letter. Just "hey, this reminded me of you". Again, I didn't even have a response. Do I ignore the things he said and just move on as though nothing happened? Do I ignore him and move on with my life? I have no idea. I decided to handle it later.
Today, he sends me an email that says "Are you still ignoring me?" Me? Ignoring him? I thought I was making a clean break - he didn't want to be my friend, right? I stare at the words on the monitor until they don't make sense to me anymore. I still don't have a response. I don't know what to do. Some part of me decides to stand up for the rest of me, and I reply that I'm still waiting for an apology. He replies that he's going to delete me from his contacts and he's sorry he can't be the person I want him to be.
It doesn't even compute. When did this become my fault? I don't want to end the friendship - I still care deeply about my friend. The friend that I introduced to people for years not as my "best friend" but as my "brother". He was my brother, a genuine part of my family. I would have dropped everything and rushed to his side if he was ever in need. But, this.... I don't even know what to do with this now. I have never asked him to be anything other than who he was. I have never asked him to change. I have never judged his life or who he is. He was my best friend just the way he was, and I would have been happy if we'd stayed that way forever and ever, amen. And now this whole ugly thing is in my lap. It's my fault.
But its NOT my fault! I didn't say those hurtful things. I didn't attack myself, and belittle my life. The hurt is all exposed again, made fresh by two sentences. But, this time, the hurt is tinged with anger.. Anger that he could do this, turn it around on me - that I did this - when I have been the best friend I could have been. The anger makes me more sad this time, too. Sad that it has to happen like this. Sad for the part of my life that will be missing now. Sad for the things that will never happen, and for the things that will never be said.
But. I finally have a response.
"Likewise."
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